No sugar coating here

I would love to be here tonight to tell you that I'm happy about where I am and that our what our agency told us about travel dates is something that is actually going to happen but I can't. I wish I could tell you that I'm simply struggling and that tomorrow will be better but I can't. I am frustrated and angry or maybe I'm just plain mad at God, at myself, at our agency, at Russia. The news we got today was not at all what we were told or what I had hoped for. Travel dates are still unknown and to me, seem way off in the distance. Our dates were 1st moved from Dec 20th to 1st week of Jan. and as I spoke with our agency today they have now informed me that I should call back on the 15th as they don't see anything moving until after the Russian holiday which is the end of the month. Are you serious?, why is this taking so long? I can truely say I want this to end, it is killing me and I don't understand it. I know I'm not owed anything but come on, I'm following so when is the joy coming? I was so upset this afternoon I decided to go for a drive and as I was going back and forth with the Lord I told Him straight up that I didn't know if this was worth it, I'm sick of the tears, Im sick of the pain and than it dawned on me what I was saying. I'm sick of the pain...its not worth it. What if that was how Jesus felt as He carried that cross to die for me? I've been trying to reason with myself that God has a better plan but I just can't wrap my head around it. We need to travel and it needs to be now. The end of the month dont work. We have court for Gavin and Jazmine on the 20th...I need to be there. Gavin has surgery on the 26th to get his tonsils out and tubes in his ears...I need to be there. I hate this, all I want is a daughter from a little orphanage in Russia why do I have to go through so much to follow God's commands when it's so easy for others. It's been 2 years of waiting and as hard as I try to trust and wait well, Im getting tired. After my drive I came home, warmed up my coffee and noticed I hadn't turned the page on my devotional calendar. This is what it said. Be encouraged that in God's time you will see the dreams and visions fulfilled that God has given you. Don't ever give up! I set my cup down and cried out to the Lord...Dear Lord, what does all this mean?

I need your prayers, I don't want to feel like I feel, I don't want to be anxious, I dont want to doubt, I dont want to be angry. I just want the Lord's peace!

Dear Miss A,

I promise I will never give up. Please know that I am coming and I will contuinu to jump through every silly loop that Russia asks me to until your home. Baby girl your mom is no super hero and my crazy human emtions tend to get tangled up once in a while but I will get up, dust myself off and be there very soon. Just hang on, I'm coming to get you!!

Love Mom