My Secret Birdie

I have a hidden secret little birdie who has been feeding me information and I didn't think I'd openly share her here especially the way our adoption has been going but I have to after today.

When we were told the 1st part of Dec that we would travel Dec 15th and than Dec 28th and than Jan 15th a friend of mine asked me if I really believed all our agency was saying. No I don't yet I do believe that God ultimately is in control however after her and I talked I began to question more so I googled agency that work in Smolensk. Yup you guessed it I found one and have been in close contact with them. They were the ones that 1st told me about the "meeting" on the 27th, NOT our agency, of course when I told them what I found out the suddenly remembered something about it being mentioned but claim they didn't know a date. Whatever....if your Russian reps were going which they did they knew when it was taking place. Well after the call yesterday about nothing being decided and having to wait until next week to find more out I couldn't get settled on that answer so today I called my special informative friend and here is what she told me about the meeting. The adoption center in Smolensk has confirmed that each agency currently working in Smolensk with only be allowed 2 international adoptions per year. They told all the agencies that had reps at the meeting that the adoption center would be open the next 3 weeks on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and each agency needed to come in to further discuss the 2 adoption and when referrals would be given. She said that their reps were going back right away next week because they also have 2 families waiting with files already there. She assumed that our agency was doing the same thing and that is way they said they wouldn't know anything until next week. So they didn't lie but they sure could of eased my mind by telling me alittle more. She said that if her reps had this info so did ours. I asked her if she felt confident that her 2 families would get referrals and she said Yes I am and as long as your agency follows up next week I'm confident you will too. This would of been great info coming from our agency however I guess I can be thankful that she takes the time to share with me. It's odd...I have never given this gal a dime, and she owes me nothing but the agency I gave my money too can't ever tell me anything. I'm learning...learning a lot but it's all worth it!

Frustrated and Rejoicing

Can anyone relate to being frustrated and also rejoice about the same thing. I'm there and if I'm alone I'm OK with it. After everything that has happened I may be some what crazy!

So most of you are thinking wow frustrated and rejoicing now that's an odd combo and it is. I'm not even sure I have the right but at least it's honest. The update I got from our agency about this wonderful informative meeting that was held in Smolensk is rather bizarre and frustrating... they called to tell me that nothing was officially decided during the meeting and they would know more next week....AND? and that's all. I asked her if they thought things would move next weeks and her answer was, Jill were not assuming anything. Ok than! This makes no sense to me after the call last week about the email from the coordinator in Smolensk that said she was getting our "official" referral ready. How can things go from that to we don;t know anything? For the 1st hour (or more) I was upset and than I small part of me started to rejoice after thinking it all through. I have stated in previous post that Gavin needed to have surgery and that last Thur the judge made it a court order...surgery will be Feb 9th. Well IF we would of got the referral today, accepted, we more than likely would of traveled on Feb 4th. I don't think that would of looked good...foster mom court orders surgery for Feb 9th and leaves for Russia on the 4th. Yes I want to go NOW, but I still have to believe that God knows best and He sees the whole plan, while all I see is a trip to Russia. As much as I feel I have the right to be frustrated I've decided to trust alil more and give it back to the Lord.

Praying for understanding and wisdom!!

Love Jill

Jan 20th Court

I simply can not believe how fast time flies. Tomorrow marks a week since we had court for Gavin and Jazmine. Everything went smooth and almost everything was settled without anyone taking the stand, including me! We now have set visits instead of them changing from week to week or even day to day which is great for us. Gavin's surgery is now court ordered and will take place on Feb 9th. The morning before court I called the Dr and asked him to write a letter to the judge stating what he found and why he felt the surgery was necessary and he did it. One perk about knowing the Dr and living in a small town. The kiddos will remain in our home and our next court hearing with me March 29th at 2pm.

We received word from our agency last Friday that their Russian staff was working on our official referral and we should hear something by the end of the month. I found out through another agency that Smolensk isn't "closed" they just aren't giving out referrals until after the meeting that is suppose to be held tomorrow. They had some people change positions right before Christmas and before they start to process International adoptions again they want to hold a meeting with the Adoption Center and all the agencies that work in the region. After 2 lost referrals a meeting to get their ducks in a row sounds like a good plan to me. So we wait and hope to hear soon.

God is working. When we leave we can't just leave Gavin and Jazmine with any family, they need to be a licensed foster home. We have friends that only foster and don't have an adoption licenses. We wanted the kids there but they are only licenced for 2 kids and they had a placement so I was worried where they'd be placed. She called this past Sat and their little guy found his forever family so they have room for 2 and are going to take them while we travel. It gets better, they only live 1 mile from the daycare that they currently go to so that part of their life will stay normal. We plan to have their family over here a few times and also visit at their home so they aren't scared to stay there when the time comes.

Now just let us see updated pics and a medical so we can catch the 1st flight outta here!!

I Am...

Waiting, waiting, waiting. I have a lot to learn and no matter how hard I try to wait patiently I fail.

Feeling blessed that God has allowed me to (at this time) mother 4 kids.

Thankful that He gives and takes away. If we would of traveled for our 1st referral I would of missed out on a lot. A lot of learning, a lot of growing and a lot of really neat friends.

Trusting, another area I'm failing in. In my own human nature I so often (more than I like to admit) try to take things into my own hands.

Looking forward to all 2011 has in store for our family.

Planning for court of G & J on the 20th. I found out today they want me on the stand.

Frustrated that some people can be so disrespectful.

Refocusing, as life twist and turns I feel that in the last 2 months I've become more bitter and more unwilling to listen and follow the Lord. I'm praying about this.

Wondering how G's Dr. appt will go on the 17th and surgery on the 26th to remove his tonsils and put tubes in his ears.

Heartbroken that there are so many lil ones in orphanages and foster homes that need families and it's so hard to get them home. I've meet 2 families over the last few weeks that just quit either because emotional or financially they couldn't go on or the wait got to them...that's sad.

Praying that more Christians listen to the call and open their homes and their hearts to the orphans.

Wondering when our agency will call, if we'll get travel dates before the end of the month, IF this lil one is actually the one, if we'll get new pictures and more of her medical before we travel. How black hair will fit into our family :)

Super excited to meet Miss A. I can only imagine the feeling...I'm gonna cry!

Thinking about spring and family time at the lakes.

Is our home too small?

We had an interesting call Thursday late morning. Iowa Kidsnet...they had a 2 month old boy that needed a home. I never imagined we'd get this type of call when we're so close to travel dates. Part of me was saying yes and part of me was saying no. Jamie was shocked, he wasn't sure what to think. It was an emergency placement and we needed to let them know within an hour. The 1st call I made was to the babysitter, could she take another child of ours. She already is planning on Miss A so this would be 4 kids from 1 family. (I love the way that sounds) She said she really was full but would help anyway she could. I was ready to dive right into this with all my trust resting in the palm of the Lord's hand and than the questions started. I kept a strong hold on what I know and believe which is that God has a plan and His command to us to care for the orphans and widows but His is asking me to care for them all? Is He asking me to take this boy into our home and let Miss A go? I told Jamie that on most days I feel like I'm playing catch with the Lord and lately the pitches are coming fast and strong. I began wrestling over these questions with the Lord and than this hit me. I wanted to get into fostering and adoption for the kids, however if I start taking babies out of selfish reasons am I still in this for the same reason? I don't think so. It was a tough choice but I called them back and told them to find another home. I've thought about him many times over the last few days and what it would be like with him here but I'm content with our decision. I know God has me on a crazy journey and some days I think He's doing things to see if I'm strong enough to continue to follow. I'd love to have a baby in the house but I don't think God was asking us to take Him in. I don't believe that I could mother the 4 we have in our home now, a 2 month old plus Miss A soon and do them or myself any good.

Tonight I am thankful for the wonderful life the Lord is allowing me to live and to the many families that open their homes, their lives and their hearts to these innocent little children. The Lord is good!!!

Bouncing back

In the mist of what seems to be a total nightmare to me I can't help but notice that God is good. Last night as I prayed I know that He was there and I know that His arm is not to short to reach from heaven, to me to Russia and I know that when it's time He will. Even on days like yesterday when I cry out to Him and wonder if He's really there I know He is and just because He hasn't said "Jill it's time to meet the daughter I picked for you" I know He's listening and I know He knows my heart. Just as promised in Isaiah 59:1 ( Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear)

This morning felt like most mornings as I drug mysef out of bed at 6:15am happy that all kiddos were still asleep so I can get my coffee before I become an in-demand mom. After I poured my coffee on most mornings I say good morning to Jamie who is usually already up and then head upstairs to start the day but this morning something was telling me to flip the page in my devotional calendar. I almost ignored it and proceeded upstairs but I stopped and went back to find these words. Where God guides, He provides. That changed my attitude, how can I even begin to think that God isn't listening. He is and I need to find the wisdom and understanding to realize that He sees the big picture and He knows whats best for me, for our family, for Miss A and for Gavin and Jazmine. He loves me and He didn't bring me all this way to clip both of my wings and leave me here.

I told my dear friend about this song awhile back when it first came out and how it spoke to me, today she emailed the link back to me. Thats God my friends. He knows my pain.

No sugar coating here

I would love to be here tonight to tell you that I'm happy about where I am and that our what our agency told us about travel dates is something that is actually going to happen but I can't. I wish I could tell you that I'm simply struggling and that tomorrow will be better but I can't. I am frustrated and angry or maybe I'm just plain mad at God, at myself, at our agency, at Russia. The news we got today was not at all what we were told or what I had hoped for. Travel dates are still unknown and to me, seem way off in the distance. Our dates were 1st moved from Dec 20th to 1st week of Jan. and as I spoke with our agency today they have now informed me that I should call back on the 15th as they don't see anything moving until after the Russian holiday which is the end of the month. Are you serious?, why is this taking so long? I can truely say I want this to end, it is killing me and I don't understand it. I know I'm not owed anything but come on, I'm following so when is the joy coming? I was so upset this afternoon I decided to go for a drive and as I was going back and forth with the Lord I told Him straight up that I didn't know if this was worth it, I'm sick of the tears, Im sick of the pain and than it dawned on me what I was saying. I'm sick of the pain...its not worth it. What if that was how Jesus felt as He carried that cross to die for me? I've been trying to reason with myself that God has a better plan but I just can't wrap my head around it. We need to travel and it needs to be now. The end of the month dont work. We have court for Gavin and Jazmine on the 20th...I need to be there. Gavin has surgery on the 26th to get his tonsils out and tubes in his ears...I need to be there. I hate this, all I want is a daughter from a little orphanage in Russia why do I have to go through so much to follow God's commands when it's so easy for others. It's been 2 years of waiting and as hard as I try to trust and wait well, Im getting tired. After my drive I came home, warmed up my coffee and noticed I hadn't turned the page on my devotional calendar. This is what it said. Be encouraged that in God's time you will see the dreams and visions fulfilled that God has given you. Don't ever give up! I set my cup down and cried out to the Lord...Dear Lord, what does all this mean?

I need your prayers, I don't want to feel like I feel, I don't want to be anxious, I dont want to doubt, I dont want to be angry. I just want the Lord's peace!

Dear Miss A,

I promise I will never give up. Please know that I am coming and I will contuinu to jump through every silly loop that Russia asks me to until your home. Baby girl your mom is no super hero and my crazy human emtions tend to get tangled up once in a while but I will get up, dust myself off and be there very soon. Just hang on, I'm coming to get you!!

Love Mom

Setting myself up

Tell me I'm not the only one that sets themselves up and than feels down when nothing happens. I know I'm suppose to be trusting and most days I feel I am, or am I?? For no reason at all I thought that maybe we would hear something today. I mean it's after the New Year, I know another couple got dates to be in Russia for 1st trip Jan 10th and even though it's a different region dates are stilling coming out even though it's a Russian holiday, and if our agency says travel before the 15th don't you think it's time we get travel dates? I hate the feeling I have when I change seats with the Lord, it's a frustrated, Im mad at the whole world feeling and I dont like it yet I contuine to allow satan to work in my mind which is exactly the reason I kick the Lord out of the drivers seat in the 1st place. Well while I was driving today I called our agency in the hopes that the owner was in to vent my pity story to her about why we havent been called. It was probably a good thing she wasnt in and neither was our consultant. I am going to pray that the Lord gives me more peace, more strength, more patience as I countuine traveling done this road looking for the light, the light at the end of the tunnel! Please pray for me and for Miss A that she contuines to have good health and more importantly that she feels a hope and love that can only come from the Lord.

Small Things

My camera and flip cam have been out a whole lot more since the little ones came into our lives. I watch them and am in complete awe of all God has given me and all He has taken away. Somedays, OK most days it makes no sense at all but I'm just happy to be enjoying the moments He gives me.