2010.... A year of trusting and change

So what can I say, I stink at coming back soon when it's a place I'd most days like to forget I even need to visit however so much as happened and I believe as I begin to see God's plan come alive it's time to share.

Last post, June 2010. To make this super long update as short as possible yet informative I will list important dates and feelings.

June - Lost referral...

June to July - told that Russian adoptions really slow down during this time and should hear something August. Still wrestling with God and the incidences of life.

August - Agency told us that Smolensk continues to be closed. We were informed that St Petersburg would accept our file which means every stinking piece of paperwork needed to be redo since our completed file was left in Smolensk. Seriously? If the region was closing why would they leave a file that took us almost 2 months to complete? I didn't move as fast as I did the 1st time so by month end I completed the file. File was translated and in St Pete 1st part of Sept.

Sept. - Agency called about a referral in St Pete that was born at 26 weeks but doing well. They said we had 48 hrs to decide if we wanted the official referral. I went straight to the internet and started my research which in all honestly scared me but then there really isn't too much about this journey that doesn't scare me so I prayed. I didn't feel a tug either was so I called the agency and told them that we were willing to have her evaluated by our International Dr. We figured we'd hear in a day or two but nothing. 1 week passed, than 2 and every time I called they said it could take some time to get the referral and they'd call as soon as they had it. A little over 3 weeks and the phone rings...it’s the referral dept. and I'm thinking yes! Finally we get to see this little girl but I'm once again wrong. I hear the voice say, "Well we have a referral for you" I say in response "yes I know we've been waiting". So how does she look for being born at 26 weeks?" "Oh we didn't get that referral, however we've asked Smolensk if they would make an exception for you since you were registered there so long" silence..."And" "Well they said they would, she's turning 1 in Dec." silence...she than says " Jill you don't seem excited" all I could say was "I'm shocked I thought the door to Smolensk was closed and what about..." I had 100 questions/thoughts going through my mind and I knew she was talking but all I heard was mumbles so she asks again “Jill, do you want to see her?" "Sure". I didn't run to my email like most people do or like I did the 1st time. I cried. Smolensk? Am I ready for this? This call came at 9ish am and at 4pm I finally called a friend and told her the days events to which she asked so, is she cute, are you going to accept her? I don't know I haven't even opened the email. I was scared to look at a face that wouldn't look like the little girl I thought was going to be my daughter so she said she would look and give me her opinion. That sounded good to me! I forwarded the email to her and within minutes she calls back. I didn't even say hello, I just said "so what do you think"? Here is her response almost word for word..."Jill, I think she’s cute and I think her medical looks good but before you open the email you need to know something. Her name is Anna!! What, no way. Not only are we back in Smolensk but we got another referral with the same name as the little girl we looked at for almost 11 months thinking all that time she'd someday be our daughter. FROZEN I opened the email. The 1st thought was NO! I don't even think she's cute. I waited till Jamie got home to share the news. He was emotionless and didn't have an opinion on how he felt or what we should do but we both agreed we were not going to tell the boys. 2 days passed and neither of us even mentioned her, day 3 our agency called and asked what we wanted to do. At this time I agreed to have our IA Dr evaluate the referral. After a few questions for the orphanage he told us to go see her so I called our agency and told them. They informed me that we needed to get our acceptance letter in asap as travel would be soon since the region was technically closed. 5 days after we faxed the acceptance in, the phone call comes. Only it’s not the travel dept. like I was told would be calling, it was the director. All I heard was Jill....and my response filled with tears was NO, not again!!! Please not again. I'm sorry Jill....she's gone.

My wrestling with the Lord turns into a fight. How could all this be happening and why?

October - Jamie says he's done! I agree that I was too but deep down I knew I wasn't. Was I scared to go on? Yes. Was I scared to get and lose yet another referral? You bet I was but I was also scared to stop but I'm not the only one in this scary journey so I need to respect Jamie's wishes as well.

Oct 11 - Get contract termination letter from our agency. Instant sick feeling. Could this really be the end? What if our daughter is out there and we're quitting too early? I felt like throwing up and it was at that time that I feel to my knees and begged God to guide me and to soften Jamie's heart. I didn't do anything with the letter for a few days until Jamie asked about it. I take that back he didn't ask about it, it was more like this. Where is the letter and how soon we can get the fees returned that they've agreed on. I had a confession to make. I had been on the database and saw a little girl that I felt God lead me right to. I asked him if he would take a look at her picture, he said he would. I asked him if he'd try one more time. I told him I would call our agency and see if they could get her as a referral. I knew I was grasping at straws because this is not at all how Russian adoptions happen. The next day I called, 4 days later they called back. Yep she's there BUT she isn't cleared for International adoption until Dec 28th. So wait again or close the door? We decided to wait.

Nov 7th - Russian team has been to the adoption center and they have agreed to allow us to come see her after she clears the database as long as no bio family or Russian families come to get her. Just like before they still trump Americans.

Nov 10th - Iowa Kidsnet calls about placement of a sibling group. We decline.

Nov 15th - Another call from Iowa Kidsnet about the same kids. They said they really needed to find a family for them. Girl just turned 3 and boy just turned 4. I tell Jamie, we tell boys and after praying feel God is calling us to step forward. Not knowing how life will look with 5 kids or if we'll even go to Russian we decide to take them.

Nov 19th - go pick up the kids...

Nov 25th - Russian team saw her at the orphanage...good news!!

Dec 22nd - Agency calls to wish us a Merry Christmas and let us know that they are still thinking we will hear from Russia soon after the New Year.

So right now we will continue to follow God's provision for our lives as we try to figure out how to balance work, school, daycare, preschool and being a family of 6 while praying for Miss A!!