Where do I start...

I don't even need to tell you that Ive been MIA because that's the obvious issue...so what is going on? This is the question that has flooded my mind and my email the past few weeks so I will try to bring you up to speed.

May 1st - A was suppose to released from the database, this is the date we were told since Nov 1st was the day we could travel to meet her. May 1st came and went, we were than told that because of the Russian holiday travel dates would more than likely be after that which is the 12th or there was a small possibility that we could get them in between the 2 holidays which would be May 5 -7, May 5 comes along with a call from our agency and they tell me that even though I didn't know they were being told for awhile that our dates would be given May 5. As May 5 passed they questioned so they contacted Russia to be told that since she had to redo her time on the database she also needed to be seen by 3 Russian families for adoption. I freaked out, after 10 months of waiting they are now going to show her to other families. I was beside words but that's kinda the way this whole adoption has went so I proceeded to trust. I asked the director of our agency if this concerned her and she told me no, its just going to mean you wait longer to which I asked how much and she told me hopefully you travel 1st part of June. Hard to accept but OK! I'm nervous and scared but trying to trust our agency and the Lord. I think I emailed almost every day to see how many families had seen her and if everything was OK, it always was until the call on May 25th, 1 family has seen her and declined and the 2nd family has asked for her medical and is considering. I bawled and bawled, how could this be happening, we were always told that anything could happen until May 1st which I knew but no one ever told me all this was going to take place after May 1st. This family has 2 weeks (June 7th) to decide, unreal I've waited 11 1/2 months and will take her no matter what and they can sit around for 2 weeks and decide. I had 2 weeks to pray, pray that God's will wouldd be done and that I'd have the strength to accept it. 1 week done and no change, our agency went into the adoption center in Smolensk and everything was the same. The days were dragging on and Satan was attacking my mind but I tried to stay strong and I prayed! I was getting bad feelings but I prayed! I work early morning as many of you know so on my drive home Friday morning (6am) I felt myself starting to unravel, I found myself driving home with tears rolling down my face and I was begging God to let me in on His plan. I needed Him to either open the door all the way and let us travel or close it so I could move on. I pleaded with Him to give A a family, I told Him I didn't care if it was here or in Russia just give her what she deserves and give me the strength to accept it. I was emotionally at the end of my rope, my sister says its at the end of your rope that you find the hem of His robe but I can't say I found that. I got home around 7am and laid down for about an hour before heading to my day job, I arrived there at 9:00am my cell phone rang at 9:25 it was the 440 area code...my agency...my heart sank, I began to sweat, felt like crying and than I heard the voice on the other end say Jill are you somewhere you can talk. Yes! I am what whats going on. Jill I hate to tell you this but the Russian family came back this morning and took Anna. Are you for real, shes gone. You mean I'll never hold or see the little girl I thought was gong to be my daughter. The phone went silent on both ends and all I could muster out is...I need time. It took everything I had to walk back into my office, pull myself together and finish the day but God gave me everything I needed. Telling Jamie was hard, telling the boys was even harder. How do you explain something to a 13 and 12 year old that you don't understand yourself. Tristan didn't say anything and Austin said No mom, not really! We headed to the lake Sat morning and spent time trying to put things back together. I have a zillion questions I'd like answers to but I'm moving past that cause all the answers in the world won't change the outcome. A friend shared this and its something that I will hang onto for a long time. She said God picks people and he didn't pick you to be her mom but He picked you to prayer for her until she found one. I'm honored, Lord. Thanks for picking me. I will prayer for her forever!

So how are we doing? Better than I ever imagined. We immediately contacted a few close friends and we know that they went to the cross for us because I felt the power of prayer like never before. Its only been a few days but I'm learning to accept that God has a different, better plan and to be honest I'm excited to see it unfold. There are moments I think about her and my heart sinks but I'm go grateful she has a family and that her days in the orphanage are over.

We thought about calling our agency yesterday just to see what our options where but I didn't feel God laying that on my heart so I was going to let a few days pass. Around 3pm the director called and wanted me to know that Smolensk has shut down and that if we want to move forward we would need to move our file to a different region. God is working because I wasn't sure I could emotionally go to Smolensk after all this. They are checking other regions to see where we can go however we are being very careful. In all honesty I actually thought about pulling the plug, walking away from the money spent because I didn't think I had the strength to go on that was until we asked the boys on Sat if they thought we should stop, or take a brake. I was willing to honor their wishes because we've all been through alot but almost in unison they both said. Mom I think we need to find our sister. Wow talk about taking your breathe away. So here we go, closing a chapter of our lives as we trust God to lead us to our daughter/sister.

If you learn to depend on the Lord you'll learn on dependable He is

Hugs Jill